If Today Were the End
by The Evil Pink Squirrel of Doom
Summary: Sara's thoughts as she lays with Gil, after the episode 'Way To Go', I suck at summeries please read.


**Title: **If Today Were the End

**Author: **The Evil Pink Squirrel of Doom

**Disclaimer: **I do not own CSI, well the TV show; I am one in real life, along with a linguist. I wish I owned Gil; he really has the morbid sense of humor thing down.

**Author's Note: **I started writing this as the credits were rolling for the season finale. Thank God, Jim woke up and finally they really showed us what was going on (well sort of) between Gil and Sara, rather then those little looks. Enjoy, and don't forget to review.

**If Today Were the End**

Her head lay on his chest and she could hear his heartbeat. Its soft rhythm slowly lulling her to sleep, one of her soft silky legs thrown

across his hips. One of his arms wrapped possessively over it, while the other drew little designs on her lower back. Her other leg and his

were fully entwined; only the light hair, and thick muscle on his allowing one to discern male from female. Earlier in the evening, he had

played with her hair, while they talked over stupid things that made little sense, even to her. She kept thinking how everything would be

fine now, how it would all go back to normal. However, what was normal for them was sneaking around. Fully grown adults, sneaking

around, behind the backs of their friends. Friends who cared, friends who would not care about this. If nothing they would say, it would

help his morbid and broody side. She snuggled in closer and felt his arms instinctively tighten around her. They been through so much and

this was the end product.

_**I've been there through the good and the bad,**_

_**I've seen you at your worst and your absolute best.**_

_**I've stood by your side through thick and thin.**_

_**I've been there since the beginning and I'll see it through to the very end.**_

At first, they had both tried to ignore it, and then she had finally had enough of their games and tried to move it on to something more…

perhaps normal wouldn't be the correct word. Normal was not something either one of them were. If they were normal then they would

not be in this situation. No when she had tried normal, she had ended up embarrassed trying to cover her tracks, and her jealously as

Catherine appeared to take a place she longed to be. The joking while Gil had been upstate working on the strange murder had been

enough to nearly drive her to the end. Now this was were they were, she had won in the end, at least that's how she felt. There had been

the bone woman, and Lady Heather, the latter not a subject she would ever breech with him. Now as far as she knew, and she liked to

think she was the only one in his life like this. He never realized how sexy he was, how so many found the standoffish personality, and

broodish tendencies to be hot and provocative.

_**You're my addition, my dangerous drug.**_

_**I can't get enough of you, you're all over.**_

_**I will never be able to quit you no matter what we face.**_

_**It feels like only yesterday, but it's been so much longer.**_

They had never planned for it to happen this, if at all. He had come over for coffee to see how she was feeling after difficult case months

ago. When it was all done, they'd been in this position, with their pagers buzzing. One would assume that morning after (Sara couldn't

recall if it was actually a morning) would have been difficult but it wasn't. In fact quite the opposite, it had been simple and sweet. They

had gotten ready, and then left separately for the lab. It had all seemed ok at first, but after about a week, he'd finally agreed to meet her

at one of the restaurants just off the strip. That was when her worst fears were confirmed.

_**When all is said and done, I'm your little secret.**_

_**Can you imagine what would happen if people truly caught on?**_

_**So many reasons for us to stay apart, yet ever night we see reason to hold on.**_

_**Will we drift apart; will I realize if it happens?**_

"I thought you felt the same way I do, that this is just a fantasy that actually got played out. I'm in no situation for a serious relationship,

hell I'm in no situation for a relationship at all, Sara. This is the biggest chance I've taken in a long time, I thought that we both agreed on

this, albeit not verbally." His words over chocolate cake had cut her through to the core. She had felt like she was being torn in two, and

there was nothing she could ever do. So instead she had done the only thing she knew how to, covered up her tears, fought them away,

and responded in kind.

"Of course I know that Gil, it's just that I thought, well never mind, I guess I just let my hormones get away with myself. I don't want a

relationship right now, not after everything we've been through. I just like what we had, and would like to have it again." He smiled and

told her that it sounded good. If he had noticed her tears, he never called her on them, and Sara often found herself wondering if he had

not called her on them, so that way he didn't have to deal with it. She had gone home that day and cried herself to sleep. She wasn't daft

she knew that it wouldn't be a normal relationship. Nevertheless, she had hoped, and so many of those hopes were dashed at his words.

Words that probably seemed kind and understanding to him, but to her were cruel and harsh. Words that were in the end destructive

even if they weren't meant to be such. To make matters worse she had assumed that it was over, that he wouldn't want to continue on,

but then in the parking lot, he'd glanced around and kissed her passionately. Talk about being confused upon entering work that evening.

_**I'll come to you, at your beckon call.**_

_**So many reasons why this is wrong.**_

_**There are hundreds of other's who could be at my side.**_

_**But it's you, even when someone else stood beside me, it was you**._

There were so many reasons that this shouldn't be going on, but the best sleep she got was in the arms of a man everyone told her she

shouldn't be with. She felt like the preverbal student sleeping with her teacher, well maybe more like a former teacher .There was the

rather hefty age difference, that was one strike against there situation. Sure when they were together she never noticed it, they'd joke

about him being alive for something, that she'd learned about in history class, but wasn't that how it always worked. After all, people ten

years apart, would soon becoming on the fact one had only lived post Cold War, and one lived during the Cold War. Then there was the

next problem he was her direct superior, although he'd never shown her any favoritism she could only imagine how Conrad would run

with this situation given the chance. Gil could lose his job, and she could be thrown back to the start of her career if not also let go. She

could never forgive herself if that happened, and knew that Gil would never forgive her for it. He accepted a lot of the stupid stuff she

pulled, the near arrest while driving under the influence was not one of her better moments. But, the man that was currently her lover

had not held it against her, they had talked it out. Hell, the reason she'd gone out and gotten pissed was that he gave the promotion to

Nick. It had been like a kick to the head, after everything, but it was also a promise that they all were equal at work, that nobody had

special privileges. Thus between work, and their ages, not to even go into how they had originally met, the need to keep it a secret more

for his sake then hers in the end made complete sense.

_**I never know when this is about to end.**_

_**Is this real or is this just make believe.**_

_**Don't make me say goodbye just yet.**_

_**Hold me tight, tell me I'm beautiful.**_

_**Say everything will be all right**._

In the last few days, he had become much more loving; it was almost as if he was scared. But he was Gil Grissom he was never got scared;

he did what needed to be done. She knew it wouldn't last, his loving ways, the small glances at meetings, the gentle smiles while at

work. He had taken her out for dinner a few days ago and acted like there was nothing going on between them. They had of course ended

up at her home, and in her bed. Which was rather normal for them, and he had treated her as if she was a goddess to be worshipped. But,

she knew it would end, hell, it could all end this time. This could be the last time they ever laid here together. She didn't know, this

wasn't a relationship were they'd grow apart; this was a relationship that would just end. All it would take was for a member of the team

to get to close, perhaps Greg or Warrick making another badly timed joke about jealousy or their relationship. Sara thought about how

good she had felt when someone mentioned love, and he had smiled shyly at her. It was like nothing she had ever imagined, it was the

look that hope was created from. A hope she had already convinced herself was destined to fall in pieces crumbled on her floor without her

knowing what hit her. That was how it would end; it would just stop, like the lives of so many who they met.

_**I refuse to think that this might end.**_

_**I don't truly know what this means to you.**_

_**We fought this so long; I almost thought we had won.**_

_**In one instant it all changed, you are my world.**_

She understood many of his worries, besides the fact he was Gil Grissom, the man who felt nothing, and showed nothing. He was the man

talked to a doctor with very little emotion as what one could consider as his best friend lay dying in the next room. He was the man who

never showed feelings towards victims or there families. "We always met people on the worst day of their lives" it was a line he'd used

and one their whole team recalled. The only time she'd seen him in any really emotion was when Nick had been taken the year before.

She liked to think when they'd had that case in the psychiatric hospital and she'd ended up locked in the room with that creep who was

threatening her life, that his face had shown fear at losing her. But she wasn't dumb enough to think that it wasn't her imagination. Sure,

at one point she'd dreamed that they'd end up married with kids, but in reality would that make any sense. They were both workaholics,

they were both well not good at showing there emotions, and well she hadn't had a good view of family life since, she was very young.

_**Nothing else truly matters to me anymore,**_

_**I'm not naïve; I know I'm one of the last things on your list.**_

_**Tomorrow this may end; we nearly just lost a large part of it all.**_

_**Don't walk away, it's ok, I'll always be here.**_

Sara knew enough not to complain about their relationship, she knew not to ask for more time, or complain how he never answered her

calls unless they were for work. She knew better then to say anything about this being on his time, and his terms. Which in the end she

guessed was ok, she was still happy, and it all was working out just fine. She'd never felt this content, never slept as well as she did in his

arms. If she was a normal person, her family would have been horrified, but instead her family was horrific, and Gil knew that. He knew

that and yet here he still lay. Perhaps, it had more to do with that they both had their demons, and many of them were worn on there

sleeves. She could lay here and pretend that this was normal, that this was really going somewhere. Maybe, just maybe Sara felt that if

she gave him enough time he'd be here fully. That he' hold her and caress her while saying how much he loved her. While laying here

warm and cozy, wrapped in her lover's arms she knew it would all turn out fine, well at least that's what she hoped. What would happen

when they couldn't cheat death anymore, she'd been brought in to Vegas because of a death, she couldn't help feeling she would leave

because of one. She felt like death was all she had, and yet she wasn't ready to say good-bye, not to Catherine, or the Doc, not to Nick,

Brass or Warrick, or hell even Greg. Hodges, well ok, so now that was one she could live without, and Miss. I'm great because I'm

blonde-haired person and a female, and hey lookie I'm a cop. Yes, death was both of there lives, but she wasn't ready to say goodbye yet,

not to someone who held her heart. Certainly not to the man, who owned it, who could do what he wanted with it.

_**I'm your secret, one that for your sake I must remain.**_

_**I'm fine with this fact, just give me a call.**_

_**When it's all over, I'll miss hearing you everyday. **_

_**Don't leave me alone, not when we've fought so much**._

These were the best times of her life. She nuzzled her face into the crock of his neck, and gave the spot a light kiss. He shifted slightly

under her, hanging on tighter, she heard him groan low in his throat. He was not built, but he had muscle. Sure, he didn't have the body

of Nick or even Greg, but still he was here and for the moment, at least he was hers. She couldn't see herself wanting anything else. The

feeling of his warm form wrapped tightly with her was one of the greatest things she had ever felt. His arms were powerful, and gave her

comfort. Sara, opened her eyes and blinked slightly, she gently turned her head sideways trying to see the clock, but couldn't make out

the numbers. She stretched one of her legs, pointing her toes, and felt Gil mumble something in his sleep. His large form remained

somewhat still beneath her, and she silently both thanked god, and cursed him for the fact. In all reality, she was ready for another go of

it, but she was also much to cozy to move completely at this moment.

_**It's a losing battle, this here and now.**_

_**It's a war worth fighting, but nobody else can know.**_

_**Take me out, let's run away, go where not a soul will no our face.**_

_**If I ask, you'll turn me away, if I push to hard what would remain**._

She often asked herself if it was worth the pain, and the heartbreak that was almost guaranteed to come. She's come to terms with what

there relationship was, and that it was not going to be a fairy tale, which nothing ever was in their lives. She had seen small kids kill there

little brothers for nothing really bad, she'd seen cops try to frame homeless men, and psycho's not only try to kill the man beneath her but

play insurmountable mind games with him and thus there whole team. She had been extremely thankful that she'd been left with Gil, the

year before. It would have been terrible to be away from him. She understood of course that he might not have even noticed her absence.

He claimed that he'd wanted her for years almost since he'd met her, and that there relationship (which wasn't one, but he still called it

that occasionally) was just the culmination of years of sexual tension and frustration between them. Yes, she decided as she felt his arms

and legs tighten around her subconsciously this was worth it all. These short spurts of time were worth the chance of losing everything

she'd worked so hard for, this was worth everything.

_**So I'll lie here now, chest deep in this war.**_

_**A secret in your life, your connection to the outside world.**_

_**I see death everyday, but with you, I feel alive.**_

_**You chase all the vampires and demons away.**_

He had helped her to fight her demons, had given her another reason to live. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with this man, and

yet she'd never come straight out and tell him. Sure, there were those looks shared when people talked about love, but she wasn't naive

enough to simply think that meant he loved her. Chances were that this would end in a huge mess, with her heart shattered. She often

wondered if she'd still be able to be around Gil after this. She even had an escape plan of sorts. She could go to Detroit; they had a lab

there that was supposed to be both busy and needy of good talent. They had good sports, for the most part, and were constantly moving.

Sure, the gigantic numbers of tourist did not exist, but she could learn a great deal from living in the Michigan city. Just outside the city,

there were numerous suburbs one of which was called Dearborn,it contained the largest Arabic population outside of the Middle

East. The city offered a lot, and had a large amount of nice metro suburbs if she ever decided to settle down. It was all and all a very

diverse area. She'd been talking to an associate who said she could probably get into the border police or something if she ever got tired of

crime scenes although it would help if she spoke some Arabic and some French… She shuttered slightly at the thought of leaving Las

Vegas behind for the cold northern city. It was difficult to imagine not being here with her friends, the people who had become her

family. But she knew well that she would most likely not be able to be around Gil when this ended.

_**Monster's, Monster's in under my bed.**_

_**There hiding in my head.**_

_**I fall, you lift me up.**_

_**I lay down. **_

**_Will your wrap your strong arms around me?_**

**_Run all the monsters we see everyday, out of my mind._**

"I love you" Sara's soft words rang over the silence of the room masked only by some household appliance which had just clicked on. She

knew he didn't hear her, she was always careful when she said those three words. Gil Grissom was fast asleep, and he appeared so relaxed

and satisfied. She ran her hand lightly over her lover's skin and took a deep breath. He smelled so good, and of so many different things.

He smelled like the hospital where Jim laid now awake, like the lab where they worked every night, and sometimes in the day. He

smelled of cinnamon and sushi, of long nights spent in the dark Nevada desert, and things she couldn't even begin to really place. She

tightened her lips at realizing that he smelled of so many things, each one though was a tell tale sign of there lives. So many of the smells

would bother other women. He never was one to speak of his personal life but from the few tidbits, she had caught over the years it was

like them. His life was different, surreal to most, and above all unique.

_**With you by my side, I can stand strong.**_

_**We live in a world, were death is our job.**_

_**We are there voice, there final testament.**_

_**But at your warm touch, I'm full of life.**_

A sharp buzzing sound caused the man under her to stir. His heartbeat suddenly picking up, Sara was unsure if it was her warm naked

form, pressed intimately against him, or if it was fear that someone was about to discover then. She then heard him groan, and stretch

slightly beneath her, he was awake. His lips gave lazy butterfly kisses over her shoulder blades, making her moan with contentment and

agony. There time together, at least for now was nearly over. He reached over removing the arm the laid across her back, and lifted the

confounded pager from where it laid. Her eyes followed his to land on the words flashing across the screen and the realization her pager

like his was buzzing.

"Need to call work; I'll go first, then you." She rolled off him, and allowed him to swing his legs over the side of the bed. As she turned

towards her own pager, and cell she felt his strong hands running over her back, massaging roughly, pushing out the kinks from sleep. She

stretched out like a cat at the feeling of his lips softly coming to rest at the base of her neck.

_**You make me feel alive.**_

_**With you, I feel whole.**_

_**I can breathe without fear, whenever I hear your voice.**_

_**Such a sweet addiction, one which you've agreed to have.**_

_**I hope I'm your only, you've made it clear you don't have to.**_

"Perfect" He purred into her skin, lips still at the base of her neck. "Beautiful, magnificent, amazing, incredible, sexy, goddess. Christ,

help me, I just can't get enough." The feeling of his breath grazing her flesh brought goose bumps to her skin. Then the bed shifted and she

realized it was over, the small romantic moment was done, and she could hear him dialing on his phone, to presumably call the lab,

Catherine, if she guessed, correct, by the way, his voice changed. It wasn't the voice he used for Nick or Greg, all alpha male like. Not

the voice that he used for Greg, whom over time appeared to have become more of an adoptive son, nor was it the were on equal footing

voice used for Dr. Robbins. No, it was the calm, cool voice used when speaking to a female of there... perhaps pack was the right word.

She was stolen out of her thoughts as she heard him rise and tell her to go ahead and call.

_**The world's not so evil when you're lying by my side.**_

_**Nobody will know and that will be just fine.**_

_**Hold me close, I won't tell. **_

_**I'd commit perjury, just to protect you.**_

As he grabbed his clothes and headed in for a quick shower, he turned and smiled at her. It was a smile only she received not one of his

smirks, or crocked grins. She wished he'd ask her to join him, but they both knew how that would end and although they both would

enjoy it the world, their world beckoned them back in. Sara watched as he shut the door lightly, more to keep the temptation away from

them both, then for privacy. Slowly she stood, her lithe form naked, long legs moved perfectly, as she lifted her discarded silk robe and

smiled. Sure, it wasn't perfect; she would probably be hurt in the end. But for now, she had him, at least as much as she ever would.

_**I've loved you forever, but you will never know.**_

_**I love you right now, but I will keep my lips sealed.**_

_**I'll love you until the end of time.**_

_**None of this will I ever say, so that I may continue to lay here and pretend.**_

_**PLEASE REVIEW! It only takes a moment, and makes me feel better all day long. But please no flames I can't take them after I get home from work**_


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